Self-esteem and self-loathing and hung-up, can't change

Self-esteem & self-loathing
& hungup, can't change
practical observations and strategies
for dealing with severe self-esteem issues


Self-Esteem
is the esteem one feels toward one's self. It is a fundamental attitude that one has toward one's self. It's a tough world, it's a tough life, and it's tough to know how to handle things sometimes. It's also a world of choices, feelings, thoughts and free will. Everybody gets to decide for him or herself how much esteem they are due.

It's a big problem when one's self-esteem is poor. When we don't like someone, it's not very likely we'd go out of our way to make them feel better. When we don't like ourselves, we don't make good choices.

Sometimes poor self-esteem can be very tenacious. Anyone undergoing abuse is vulnerable to adopting a poor self-esteem. And anyone with poor self-esteem is vulnerable to acting in an abusive fashion to themselves.

Poor self-esteem
can be caused by a variety of situations and experiences in life including being emotionally abused (either with or without physical or sexual abuse) and/or being traumatized by situations that it later seems we should have been able to do something about. Emotional abuse is basically anything told or done to us by someone else that makes us feel very powerless, very inadequate or very bad and which leaves us believing negative things about ourselves that are really not true. Being told that you might be too short at 5'1" to accomplish dreams of the NBA or WNBA may not be emotional abuse, whereas it may be emotional abuse to be laughed at and derided and told that you are stupid and silly to have such a wish.

Self-loathing is an extreme form of poor self-esteem. It is the sense of loathing one's self -- a common complaint from people with poor self-esteem. Many people who get to the extreme of self-loathing become self-defeating -- even self-sabotaging. This is the prize one wins if one can sustain a really poor self-esteem for long enough while being emotionally abusive to one's self.


Hung up, can't change?
"I'm hung-up -- I can't change," is the feeling one has when initially attacking poor self-esteem and a frequent complaint to therapists from people with very poor self-esteem. It is tough to change. There are many reasons for change being very anxiety provoking and difficult (for more infor and ideas about self-improvement hurdles, check out "Maximizing Self-Improvement Possibilities."

Here are some but not all of the problems that get in the way of self-esteem improvement efforts for those with very poor self-esteem:

Better this than the unknown. One very common reason for it being difficult to change a fundamental attitude about one's self is that one may have a belief or attitude that any change may well be for the worse -- "better the devil I know than a change to a devil I don't."

Any effort is damned before started. Another very common reason for it being difficult to change one's fundamental sense of negative self-esteem is that the individual harbors two very strong beliefs -- 1) that most of the decisions he or she makes are disasters, and 2) that he or she cannot trust anyone enough to make such decisions instead.

Eeek! If I feel better, people will expect more and I won't be able to deliver. Another very common reason is that one harbors an inner fear that he or she will be overloaded by responsibility if he or she has a better self-esteem -- that people will expect more.

I'll be lazy and bad with a good self-esteem. Still another very common and very powerful reason for it to be very difficult to change one's attitude about one's self is the conscious or unconscious belief that it is a negative self-esteem that keeps the individual from being slothful or careless or more of a screw-up. This is an adopted attitude that is based on the distorted logic that whipping one's self with criticism and derision is helpful and that without it things would be worse. Ironically, almost anyone with this belief would never believe this was the case with anyone else -- just themselves.

I will have to give up support. And still another reason for it being tough to change a negative self-esteem is the twisted logic that leads the individual to feel that if he or she feels better about him- or herself, all social support will be withdrawn. This is not logical because in the first place most people with poor self-esteem get very poor support -- though they get the idea that their poor self-esteem is why people feel sorry for them and nurture them. This is also not logical because it hinges on the belief that if self-esteem is good, self-supportiveness won't be worth much (which is a circular argument).


~ Practically Changing ~

Here are some practical strategies for a more practical and positive self-esteem. This list is certainly not all-inclusive. Change is a frightening prospect, no matter how attractive a prospect it also seems. Getting one's self to change is only a little less easy than tickling yourself or picking yourself up in the air. Use these in a spirit of self-care and long-term self-interest.

The Nedlog Rule
Do Unto Self What You Would Do Unto Others
(A Guideline for Decisions)

Ironically, many people with very poor self-esteems treat themselves in the same abusive ways that abusive others had treated them in the past. Most would never treat anyone else that way. If you ask, "Is it okay to verbally harrass yourself?" they say, "Yes!" But when you ask if it would be okay to do the same thing to a child they know or to a friend, their response is a clear, "NO WAY!"

Life can mess with you sometimes to the extent that you can simply have a problem of excessive harshness in how you see yourself and how you decide to react to your weaknesses. This is something like the "body disortion" that individuals with anorexia experience (individuals near starving with anorexia can look in a mirror and see a fat person). People with very poor self-esteems sometimes simply have to understand that -- when it comes to self -- they don't have good judgement about what is appropriate in terms of expectations and goals, cause for reward, cause for punishment and what would be appropriate levels of displayed anger and rage.

The proof of this and the fix of this is in asking a simple question to measure one's judgements: Do you treat yourself in the same way you would a child or a friend? Do you encourage yourself like you would a child or a friend? Do you coach yourself after failures and successes the way you would a child or a friend? As your own boss and your own employee, do you treat yourself like a good boss would, like a good employee would?

If the answer to any of those questions is "no," then the question is "why?" Why shouldn't you treat yourself in the way you know you should treat others?

Identifying the presence of such a mental soft-spot is not the same as avoiding it. It's very hard to adjust one's attitude toward self. Catching yourself and correcting yourself on the basis of this guideline is a strategy that will help. The Nedlog Rule is "Do Unto Self What You Would Do Unto Others."

Mirror Mirror on the Wall
How Can I Make Friends with Y'all?

You work for yourself. You're your own boss. When there's been hard feelings and disputes in the work place, a boss and an employee can get very negative about each other. When such a thing happens, it is best for everyone that either there is separation (one quits or fires the other) or they work it out. If separation isn't feasable, the only practical recourse is to make peace. A face to face is helpful -- a daily face to face contact, reassuring each other that both really are working on this and trying to have positive feelings about the other. In the self-esteem rehabilitation game this translates to work in the mirror -- eyeball to eyeball with yourself. Start with being civil and apologizing to the person you're looking at for being such a crappy person to work with and pledge to try to do much better.

This can be very helpful in giving a boost to your relationship with yourself. If you have considerable difficulty doing this, you should probably discuss this with a counselor.

Do the Math
Mistakes vs. Failures

Another common glitch in life is that we tend to see what we expect to see and disregard the rest. It may be that many people underestimate their numbers of successes versus their numbers of mistakes. It seems our brains are structured to pay more attention to things that go wrong than things that go right. But for individuals with very poor self-esteem this can mean routinely discounting successes as no big deal or nothing to get cocky about while carefully remembering every mistake and emotionally abusing one's self for each and every one -- and generally feeling like a major idiot-loser all the time. This is a terrible mind-twister and can result in a great deal of confusion about who to trust, what feelings to trust and what potential there is for successes and accomplishments. This can result in not bothering to use one's own thinking ability. This can contribute to a twisted state of mind that is accepting of abuse from others and mistrustful of anyone who is not abusive.

Not taking proper credit for successes and abusing one's self when mistakes are made may a cart or a horse -- a cause or a consequence (e.g., you over-estimate failures and discount successes because you have poor self-esteem, or you have poor self-esteem because you overestimate failures and discount success). Either way it is important to stop thinking practices that distort reality. There is a way to start stopping such distortions.

Ask yourself this question: how many mistakes do I make versus how many failures -- consider the last week or month as an example. Whatever numbers you come up with, ask yourself if you credited yourself for every step, every correction when driving, every forkful of food, every time you made a deposit at your bank, every time you made yourself something to eat. If your reaction to this last question is to suggest that these are silly things to count, then ask yourself if you would have counted any of these things if you had made an error. Probably you would have. It would have been on your "I'm so stupid" list if you had tripped and broke your wrist, if you had driven off the road or driven over a pedestrian, if you had stuck a forkful of food into your eye, if you had lost your paycheck on the way to deposit it, or if you had poisoned yourself or gave yourself food poisoning. Right?

Here's the fact: if you discount successes and only count mistakes, it's likely (duh) that it will seem like you make a lot of mistakes. If you are still breathing and they let you walk around without a keeper, your success rate is probably millions of successes to every ten of mistakes. It may feel like you make more mistakes, but if feelings aren't reliable. Do the math.

Proud is allow.

A somewhat similar issue to the issue of not acknowledging your successes is the issue of allowing yourself to be proud of attributes, successes, etc. Many people -- especially those raised in abusive environments -- get the impression that it's not a good idea to be proud of yourself. This is not true. It is as important to acknowledge your positive attributes and successes to yourself as it is to acknowledge them in a friend or child. We all operate on the basis of rewards -- what doesn't get rewarded may not continue to happen. Taking pride in one's self, feeling good about successes, is important to positive growth and development. THIS DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO GLOAT OR RUB OTHER'S NOSES IN YOUR SUCCESSES AND ABILITIES -- that's definately a bad idea as it causes resentments and other interpersonal problems that no one needs. It means you can be proud of yourself and happy with yourself -- it makes good psychological sense.

Do the Math
How Well Do You Compare?

How do you decide how handsome or pretty you are? This is a complicated task at best. For people with very poor self-esteems, the distorted thinking that comes from and/or results in very poor self-esteem also makes it likely that the individual feels like some sort of toad -- which enters into the viscious cycle. Looks shouldn't be as important as what's inside, but for the sake of "every little bit helps," here's a great exercise to determine pretty much your looks ranking in an almost objective, subjective way:

Go to a large shopping mall at a high-traffic time and sit somewhere out of the way with a pencil and a little notepad with a line drawn down the middle. As people go by take special notice of everyone in your gender and age-group, ask yourself if you would want -- if you could -- to trade your entire body with that individual. (The entire body -- not just this one's eyes, and that one's butt.) Note yes answers on one side of the page and no answers on the others. After you get 100, see what your percentage is then round to the nearest 10%. The result is how you really rank -- by your own standards. If you have seen 30 people you'd trade for and 70 you wouldn't, you're a 7 on a scale from 1 to 10.

Accepting Accepting Reality

A basic fact of life is that things work out a lot better when you pay attention and accept the way things are. This doesn't mean that you have to accept the way things seem. (You have to accept that things seem the way the seem -- yes. But that doesn't mean you accept the way things seem as fact.) Things work better if you have an accurate sense of your self and a good self-esteem. You may be shorter than you wanted, funnier looking or closer to retarded than you wanted, but the best you can do is the best you can do and that has to be good enough.

A frequent problem I confront as a therapist working with individuals asking for help with their self-esteems is that they don't want to accept that they haven't got much choice about some of the more difficult realities in their lives. Often this means they think they need someone to like them better or they need more intelligence. In one case the young woman insisted she needed to be at least 6" taller.

Here's the trick: Accept that you have to accept the cards you were dealt. You may be able to strategize how you play them or even change how you look at them but in the game of life you sometimes get dealt some tough to play cards -- but no matter how much you hate them, your cards are your cards.

Re-Write and Re-Right Reality

Having pointed out that you get dealt certain cards and have to play them, it is important to understand that you can sometimes re-write reality and re-right what seems toppled.

Most people are raised and educated with a lot of emphasis on the ability to see what is wrong with a given picture. Many are not educated to be able to see what is right. A frequently told Buddhist parable tells of several blind men who come across an elephant in the jungle. One says it is a boulder suspended over the path. One insists it is a pillar, not suspended in the air at all. One says it is a tube, flexible and cylindrical and suspended in air. The punch-line to this parable is the we do not see the fullness of reality, we see a part of it -- and that from different perspectives, reality is different.

Here is the trick: Recognize that there are different ways to look at things. Realize that you tend to bump into elephants from the same perspective, characterologically, but that you can change perspective and see things in a different way, just as "real." Understand that you can change your perspective and therefor your reality and that from some perspectives you are more likely to be happy and safe than from others. Resolve that you are going to practice trying to look at things in a variety of ways and pick your reality.

Behavior Mod for Fun and Profit

Behavior modification techniques are powerful and effective. There are only three basic behavior modification techniques: REWARD, PUNISHMENT and IGNORING (ignoring is called "extinction" among psychologists). Reward a behavior and it is more likely to happen again. Punish a behavior and if you do it right, it's not as likely to happen again. Ignore a behavior and it will tend not to happen again.

We all get raised with these principles. People with very poor self-esteems tend to use these principles in some counter-productive ways. They ignore sucesses, they very seldom feel that a positive behavior was worth a reward and they tend to punish self-awareness (thinking they're punishing a mistake). Individuals with very poor self-esteem can undermine their own growth and learning opportunities by acting as if small steps -- partial successes -- toward a goal are not valuable enough to reward and by either ignoring them or even punish them for not being "good enough" as only partial accomplishments. These individuals, when they do make a mistake, tend to over-punish (by derision or self-sabotage) which diminishes self-esteem and subverts learning and often begins a cycle of more punishment. An individual with very poor self-esteem may even avoid opportunities for success because of the difficulty dealing with successes and failures.

What to do: Work on being smarter about rewards, punishments and ignoring. When something goes a little well, it should be rewarded -- reward any step towards a goal and you're more likely to get to the goal. Ignore partial successes and reduce the possibility of full success. Avoid severe self-directed anger, derisive statements ("you stupid #@#!") and self sabotage as a "behavior mod" strategy unless you are trying to drive yourself to self-mutilation or suicide. When you make a mistake, kick yourself in the butt once and then pat yourself on the back for noticing that you made a mistake. Work on being able to tolerate the yuckiness of guilt feelings without saying negative things to yourself -- the yuck feelings are pretty much all the kick in the butt anyone ever needs and more (see below).

Guilt to Get Smarter vs. Guilt to Get Dumb
Being Responsible

Guilt feelings are natural reactions to bad things happening, whether it was your fault or not. Guilt is a rehearsal-debriefing process that our brains put us through so we learn from disasters. What you learn is based on what you say to yourself as the yuck feelings go through you. Telling yourself over and over "I'm so stupid," or "I'm so worthless," for example, is the same as memorizing that your brain shouldn't bother to think. Telling yourself over and over again that "It was so stupid of me to do that particular thing," on the other hand, sets up an alarm in your brain that alerts you with anxiousness the next time you begin to repeat your mistake.

What to do: Watch your self-statements and make sure you are burning into your brain the appropriate message. (For more on guilt, see Guilt for Better or Worse.)

Be Okay With Not Being a God

Basic logic can take some strange turns in the minds of individuals with very poor self-esteem, as noted above several times. Another strange twist of logic can sometimes lead to the distressing demand on self that, short of omniscience and omnipotence (all knowing and all powerful), nothing is good enough when it comes to one's own performance in life. This is an extremely silly thing to do to one's self and it often takes someone else pointing it out.

Watch What You Say.

Self talk is as potentially damaging or encouraging as any talk you talk to anyone else. Most people don't realize it but it's true: the things you say to yourself can have the same effect as the things someone else close to you says. You can believe put downs, discouragements and finalities. If you tell yourself you're an idiot, it has the same effect as if you tell a child she is an idiot. If you tell yourself that you can't possibly succeed it has the same effect as it would if you told a friend the same thing. When you pronounce something a failure forever ("you can't do that" vs. "you haven't been able to do that yet"), you tend to believe it that way.

What to do: Don't speak to yourself (silently or out loud) with any less respect or care than you would for a child or a friend.

Shoulder the Burden of Doing Your Best

Doing your best sometimes isn't enough to avoid the problems in life, but when you do your best, its the best you can do. Many people with very poor self-esteem avoid doing their best because they're pretty sure they will fail and they can't tolerate thinking of failing and having to admit they tried their hardest. Many of these folks can't accept that their best is their best and that it's okay to try even if you fail.

What to do: Do your best and critique yourself (ask yourself if you could do better) and accept that your best is the best you can do.

Being Perfectly Imperfect

What's wrong with being imperfect? Perfect wouldn't be perfect, would it? How many friends or opportunities would come your way if you never goofed up, never did something worthy of embarrassment and never said anything wrong? In case you really don't know, the number would be close to zero. Nobody likes somebody like that -- somebody "perfect" would make everyone feel terribly flawed. So perfect is actually imperfect. If you are imperfect with pleanty to improve and a motivation to steadily improve yourself, you're probably as perfect as possible. This is a much more reasonable definition and it makes it possible to actually work on being "perfectly imperfect."

Have a Little Faith

Many people seem to be comforted by the belief that if they are good little boys and girls, nothing bad will happen and God will provide them a DisneyWorld life -- and that if anything bad happens, it is Divine Punishment. (Note comments from two religious leaders that 9-11 was because so many Americans are gay and over-sexed.) This flies in the face of a huge amount of data that must be very difficult to avoid noticing. A recent estimate is that one out of one hundred of our children are being sexually exploited (pictures, films, etc.). It is also estimated that one out of four girls and one out of five boys has experienced a sexual assault by age 18. I personally work with a client load that at any given time includes at least six or eight clients who are struggling with the effects of being regularly raped by age 6. There are millions of examples that fly in the face of the theory that if you're good nothing bad happens and only if your bad does something bad happen. Also flying in the face of this idea is the evidence of all the thoroughly awful people who live lives of splendor.

It requires a ridiculously huge amount of mental energy to try to hang onto the delusion that this life is fair and for those that try to and then have that idea shattered, their whole existence seems to shatter.

Very poor self-esteem can be the direct consequence of trauma and tragedy or prolonged periods of anxiousness and stress when the individual contending with these things believes that life is basically fair. Many individuals with very poor self-esteem -- especially survivors of childhood abuse -- harbor the idea that they must deserve whatever hurt and abuse they may have suffered in life because it is an idea that was sustaining to them during prolonged periods of trauma. The idea can be sustaining because it seems to give hope of making amends through endurance of pain and terror. The alternative idea -- that no one will protect and that life is chaotic, dangerous and unfair -- is actually more devistating to children and some adults than the idea that abuse is deserved. Unfortunately, once the idea is adopted it can live beyond the time of abuse and cause repeated self-sabotaging behaviors until the idea is given up.

What to do: Drop the silly idea that we -- or just you -- live under the supervision of a God that makes life constant fun for the deserving and punishes the undeserving relentlessly. Look into almost any religious teachings and you can find all manner of support for the idea that the rewards of a good life are in the next life. Examine your own life and the lives of those around you and in the news and ask yourself if the purpose of this life might not be to learn to conquer our fears and sustain our Faith in the face of adversity. There is much more evidence of that than evidence of life being fair.

Assume the whatever Higher Power you believe in made you as smart as you need to be and will provide you the guidance you will need and that you aren't supposed to understand why things happen, you're only supposed to have Faith that there is a Plan and a Purpose for your life. If you don't believe in a Higher Power, then at least believe there is nothing saying you "deserve" any trouble you can avoid.

Take a Risk

It is important to understand that fears are just feelings and that if indulged, they worsen and if faced, they diminsh. Individuals with very poor self-esteem can become anxious about trying anything new. This can be due to a variety of fears or attitudes, many noted above. In spite of long histories of dealing with failures and terrors, one can tend to focus on not wanting to go through anything hurtful again and basically forget that one is a survivor and can at least count on that.

What can work: Listen for your breathing. If you are breathing, that means you've survived everything that's ever happened. Remind yourself that you're a survivor. Empower yourself by reminding yourself that you can have faith in yourself at least to the extent that you can survive. Don't expect this to be easy or for anxiousness to fade fast -- just expect to survive.

The Tortoise and the Hare
Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

Pretty much every individual with very poor self-esteem that I've worked with wanted things changed yesterday. Any pace seemed too slow. Sometimes they put every effort in for a brief period and then become frustrated and quit self-improvement efforts prematurely. Sometimes they seem to want everything so fast because they're scared of the idea of a change and want it done and over before they can notice. Often they disrespect their own anxieties on the one hand while listening carefully to them on the other. Improving self-esteem can seem impossible, frustrating and/or way too slow.



Alien: Resurrection, 1997.

Cole (with sadness): Why do you go on living? How can you stand being what you are?

Ripley: Not much choice.



How to optimize efforts: Remember the story of tortoise and the hare -- slow but steady wins the race. Let yourself respect your own fears and push through them slowly, letting yourself make changes at your own pace.

You Are Here
Gotta Start Where You Are

Whereever you're at, that's where you have to start. Many individuals with very poor self-esteems find it almost intolerable to think about their situation in detail -- what attitudes and behaviors they need to work on. This can cause some problems getting anywhere -- along the lines of being in Utah and needing to get to Kansas, but not wanting to admit to yourself that you're in Utah. It makes a practical route difficult to decide on.

Fix: Give yourself permission to look at and accept where you are starting from.

Do it yourself.

One of the toughest of the illogical thinking loops that individuals with very poor self-esteem can get into is the quest for someone to trust better than themselves to take over and fix their lives. This is a very tough problem because most people with very poor self-esteem have earned a healthy distrust of others -- though they may think this is not healthy. Also, it gets more complicated because they may tend to define being able to trust someone as being 100% sure that that person will be 100% capable and knowledgeable and 100% looking out for their interests. (For more information and ideas about trusting others, see "Trust Issues with Self and Others.") Thus, without ever really pinpointing or recognizing the problem, they don't trust their own judgement so they look for someone they trust enough to tell them what to do about not trusting themselves or anyone else -- but they don't trust themselves to decide who to trust and they wouldn't be able to trust someone else that much anyway. So they won't trust anyone until they find someone they can trust to tell them who to trust.

It is often almost devistatingly frightening to tell an individual with a very poor self-esteem that relying on themselves -- with input from others if they wish -- to make big decisions is probably the best they can do as far as finding someone to rely on. A frequent first reaction is panic to think that everyone is pretty much flawed and no more trustable than they themselves.

What to do: Decide you better put yourself in somebody's hands and just go with it. I generally recommend to people that they chose themselves. As flawed as they themselves might be, it's usually the best choice because everyone else is flawed too. And when the panic about that comes up then it's a good idea to soothe it down either with Faith in a Higher Power or faith that no matter what happens it will all be over in a matter of years or less.